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Humor

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Mark Twain

The letter of the law should be included in the alphabet.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Mae West

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

Henry Louis Mencken

A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.

Elbert Hubbard

The exit is usually where the entrance was.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

A beautiful lie? Listen! That`s creativity.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

There are three rules for writing a novel; unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

William Somerset Maugham

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Mark Twain

God created man because he was so disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

Man - a creature made at the end of the week`s work when God was tired.

Mark Twain

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

William Somerset Maugham

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Henry David Thoreau

What keeps us on this globe except force of gravity?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

You can`t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

Henry Louis Mencken

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

Jules Renard

Plan for the future, because that is where you are going to spend the rest of your life.

Mark Twain

The older I get, the better I was.

Henry Louis Mencken

Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places.

Ogden Nash

The habitually punctual make all their mistakes right on time.

Laurence J. Peter

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Paul Valery

I prefer the sign NO ENTRY to the one that says NO EXIT.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

If you can`t answer a man`s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

Elbert Hubbard

A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

Creditors have better memories than debtors.

Benjamin Franklin

A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

Oscar Wilde

Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.

Agatha Christie

The secret to humor is surprise.

Aristotle

I`m not denying the women are foolish: God Almighty made them to match the men.

George Eliot

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals.

Henry Louis Mencken

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

Edgar Watson Howe

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

Dwight David Eisenhower

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Henry Louis Mencken

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn`t a sign that they "don`t understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Helen Rowland

I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after.

Oscar Wilde

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn`t commit when he had the opportunity.

Helen Rowland

It is possible to make jam from dreams. All you have to add is fruit and sugar.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

Helen Rowland

I`ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Mark Twain

He knows little who will tell his wife all he knows.

Thomas Fuller

I don`t know if God exists, but it would be better for his reputation if he didn`t.

Jules Renard

In some lands exile is the greatest punishment; in others, the greatest humanitarians should fight for it.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Mark Twain

Middle age is when you`ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Ogden Nash

Don`t be a snob. Never lie when the truth is more profitable.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

It`s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what`s required.

Winston Churchill

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.

Helen Rowland

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Henry Louis Mencken

The fundamental evil of the world arose from the fact that the good Lord has not created money enough.

Heinrich Heine

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

Henry Louis Mencken

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Francis Bacon

I call everyone `Darling` because I can`t remember their names.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

The books that everybody admires are those that nobody reads.

Anatole France

The window to the world can be covered by a newspaper.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.

Helen Rowland

Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o`clock is a scoundrel.

Samuel Johnson

A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on.

Oscar Wilde

When you take stuff from one writer it`s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it`s research.

Wilson Mizner

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

Mark Twain

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Dorothy Parker

Don`t tell your dreams. What if the Freudists come to power?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but religiously follows the new.

Henry David Thoreau

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

Oscar Wilde

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Moliere

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Oscar Wilde

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

George Bernard Shaw

I generally avoid temptation unless I can`t resist it.

Mae West

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won`t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Helen Rowland

Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.

George Bernard Shaw

In America, anyone can become president. That`s one of the risks you take.

Adlai E. Stevenson

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Voltaire

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it`s their fault.

Henry Kissinger

There is only one thing to do for a man who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

Edgar Watson Howe

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

Wilson Mizner

A woman isn`t complete without a man. But where do you find a man - a real man - these days?

Mae West

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one`s hat keeps blowing off.

Woody Allen

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Irwin Corey

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.

Paul Valery

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen

But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

Benjamin Franklin

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Oscar Wilde

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

Henry Louis Mencken

Never get married in college; it`s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you`ve already made one mistake.

Elbert Hubbard

Remember, it`s as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

William Makepeace Thackeray

The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.

Kin Hubbard

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Wilson Mizner

Prayer must never be answered: if it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes correspondence.

Oscar Wilde

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it.

Alexandre Dumas

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Mark Twain

Every saint has a past and every sinner a future.

Oscar Wilde

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

Henry Louis Mencken

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Mark Twain

Don`t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn`t start a conversation if it didn`t change once in a while.

Kin Hubbard

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Oscar Wilde

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.

Samuel Johnson

There are only two kinds of women, the plain and the coloured.

Oscar Wilde

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Mark Twain

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

Henry Louis Mencken

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Kin Hubbard

Divorces are made in heaven.

Oscar Wilde

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.

Kin Hubbard

Don`t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can`t wear in the evening.

Oscar Wilde

Woman is at once apple and serpent.

Heinrich Heine

In love, somehow, a man`s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.

Helen Rowland

There`s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn`t tell you about it?

Kin Hubbard

Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more.

George Bernard Shaw

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

Henry Louis Mencken

People who make history know nothing about history. You can see that in the sort of history they make.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

Mae West

Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.

Kin Hubbard

Being an optimist after you`ve got everything you want doesn`t count.

Kin Hubbard

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one`s wife`s sister`s husband.

Henry Louis Mencken

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice, which is still continued.

Helen Rowland

We find it easy to believe that praise is sincere: why should anyone lie in telling us the truth?

Jean Rostand

Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man, but they don`t bite everybody.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.

Kin Hubbard

You will never win if you never begin.

Helen Rowland

When a man makes a woman his wife, it`s the highest compliment he can pay her, and it`s usually the last.

Helen Rowland

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.

Elbert Hubbard

The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman.

Henry Louis Mencken

When a fellow says, "It is not the money but the principle of the thing," it`s the money.

Kin Hubbard

Nothing so needs reforming as other people`s habits.

Mark Twain

No man would listen to you talk if he didn`t know it was his turn next.

Edgar Watson Howe

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Helen Rowland

When I`m good, I`m very good. But when I`m bad I`m better.

Mae West

To be an ideal guest, stay at home.

Edgar Watson Howe

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

Henry Louis Mencken

The hardest task in a girl`s life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.

Helen Rowland

On every summit you are on the brink of an abyss.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there`s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Henry Kissinger

A bad cold wouldn`t be so annoying if it weren`t for the advice of our friends.

Kin Hubbard

Getting divorced just because you don`t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Paul Valery

To whom should we marry freedom, to make it multiply?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

Mae West

It isn`t enough for you to love money - it`s also necessary that money should love you.

Kin Hubbard

Journalism largely consists of saying "Lord Jones is Dead" to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Always do right. This will surprise some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

All which is not prose is verse; and all which is not verse is prose.

Moliere

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Henry Louis Mencken

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Henry Louis Mencken

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don`t want, drink what you don`t like, and do what you`d rather not.

Mark Twain

Man is fatally slow on the uptake; it always takes him until the next generation to understand what`s going on.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them - sometimes three.

Alexandre Dumas

We are always doing something for posterity, but I would fain see posterity do something for us.

Joseph Addison

I believe I`ve found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It`s us.

Konrad Lorenz

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

Henry Louis Mencken

Is it a progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Who knows what Columbus might have discovered had America not blocked his way!

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Helen Rowland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

Kurt Vonnegut

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I`ve done it a thousand times.

Mark Twain

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I`ve never tried before.

Mae West

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Henrik Ibsen

The first condition of immortality is death.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Aldous Huxley

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

Samuel Butler

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

Henry Louis Mencken

 

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