Wit without employment is a disease.
Robert Burton
Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Mark Twain
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
Henry Louis Mencken
The letter of the law should be included in the alphabet.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West
What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
Helen Rowland
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
Henry Louis Mencken
There are several good precautions against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Mark Twain
Can you imagine the woman who would let her lover tell her tales for 1001 nights?
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
I have never seen an ass who talked like a human being, but I have met many human beings who talked like asses.
Heinrich Heine
A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
Elbert Hubbard
The exit is usually where the entrance was.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
There are three rules for writing a novel; unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
William Somerset Maugham
Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.
Moliere
God created man because he was so disappointed in the monkey.
Mark Twain
Man - a creature made at the end of the week`s work when God was tired.
Mark Twain
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
William Somerset Maugham
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
John Osborne
No man can understand why a woman shouldn`t prefer a good reputation to a good time.
Marcel Achard
What keeps us on this globe except force of gravity?
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
If vices were profitable, the virtuous man would be the sinner.
Francis Bacon
Life`s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Elbert Hubbard
The older I get, the better I was.
Henry Louis Mencken
There is nothing so unready as readiness of wit.
Antoine de Rivarol
The habitually punctual make all their mistakes right on time.
Laurence J. Peter
If you haven`t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven`t seen her smile her prettiest.
Kin Hubbard
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
Paul Valery
I prefer the sign NO ENTRY to the one that says NO EXIT.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Morality is either a social contract or you have to pay cash.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Mark Twain
Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.
Agatha Christie
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals.
Henry Louis Mencken
The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.
Elbert Hubbard
None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
Edgar Watson Howe
Many who tried to enlighten were hanged from the lamppost.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
Dwight David Eisenhower
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
Henry Louis Mencken
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn`t a sign that they "don`t understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Helen Rowland
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
Henry Louis Mencken
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Helen Rowland
There`s a hell of a difference between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Dorothy Parker
I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after.
Oscar Wilde
The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn`t commit when he had the opportunity.
Helen Rowland
It is possible to make jam from dreams. All you have to add is fruit and sugar.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
Helen Rowland
I`ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
Mark Twain
You can pretend to be serious; you can`t pretend to be witty.
Sacha Guitry
After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.
Helen Rowland
Atheism is the last word of theism.
Heinrich Heine
In some lands exile is the greatest punishment; in others, the greatest humanitarians should fight for it.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
A man`s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.
Helen Rowland
Don`t be a snob. Never lie when the truth is more profitable.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
It`s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what`s required.
Winston Churchill
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Wit is educated insolence.
Aristotle
A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he`ll come purring at your feet.
Helen Rowland
I call everyone `Darling` because I can`t remember their names.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin.
Henry Louis Mencken
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
Helen Rowland
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, December, August, and February.
Mark Twain
We`d all like to vote for the best man but he`s never a candidate.
Kin Hubbard
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The window to the world can be covered by a newspaper.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.
Helen Rowland
When you take stuff from one writer it`s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it`s research.
Wilson Mizner
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
Mark Twain
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Dorothy Parker
Don`t tell your dreams. What if the Freudists come to power?
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.
Moliere
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw
I generally avoid temptation unless I can`t resist it.
Mae West
Truth will always be naked, even when turned out in the latest fashion.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won`t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland
Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
George Bernard Shaw
In America, anyone can become president. That`s one of the risks you take.
Adlai E. Stevenson
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Voltaire
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it`s their fault.
Henry Kissinger
There is only one thing to do for a man who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.
Edgar Watson Howe
If the art of conversation stood a little higher we would have a lower birthrate.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one`s hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Irwin Corey
Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.
Paul Valery
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Mark Twain
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
Henry Louis Mencken