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Wit

Wit without employment is a disease.

Robert Burton

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Mark Twain

War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.

Henry Louis Mencken

The letter of the law should be included in the alphabet.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Mae West

What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.

Helen Rowland

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

Henry Louis Mencken

There are several good precautions against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Mark Twain

Can you imagine the woman who would let her lover tell her tales for 1001 nights?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

I have never seen an ass who talked like a human being, but I have met many human beings who talked like asses.

Heinrich Heine

A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.

Elbert Hubbard

The exit is usually where the entrance was.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

There are three rules for writing a novel; unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

William Somerset Maugham

Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

Moliere

God created man because he was so disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

Man - a creature made at the end of the week`s work when God was tired.

Mark Twain

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

William Somerset Maugham

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.

John Osborne

No man can understand why a woman shouldn`t prefer a good reputation to a good time.

Marcel Achard

What keeps us on this globe except force of gravity?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde

If vices were profitable, the virtuous man would be the sinner.

Francis Bacon

Life`s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

Wilson Mizner

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

Elbert Hubbard

The older I get, the better I was.

Henry Louis Mencken

There is nothing so unready as readiness of wit.

Antoine de Rivarol

The habitually punctual make all their mistakes right on time.

Laurence J. Peter

If you haven`t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven`t seen her smile her prettiest.

Kin Hubbard

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Paul Valery

I prefer the sign NO ENTRY to the one that says NO EXIT.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Morality is either a social contract or you have to pay cash.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Mark Twain

Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.

Agatha Christie

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals.

Henry Louis Mencken

The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.

Elbert Hubbard

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

Edgar Watson Howe

Many who tried to enlighten were hanged from the lamppost.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

Dwight David Eisenhower

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Mark Twain

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Henry Louis Mencken

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn`t a sign that they "don`t understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Helen Rowland

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

Henry Louis Mencken

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Helen Rowland

There`s a hell of a difference between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Dorothy Parker

I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after.

Oscar Wilde

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn`t commit when he had the opportunity.

Helen Rowland

It is possible to make jam from dreams. All you have to add is fruit and sugar.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

Helen Rowland

I`ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Mark Twain

You can pretend to be serious; you can`t pretend to be witty.

Sacha Guitry

After a few years of marriage, a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.

Helen Rowland

Atheism is the last word of theism.

Heinrich Heine

In some lands exile is the greatest punishment; in others, the greatest humanitarians should fight for it.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

A man`s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

Helen Rowland

Don`t be a snob. Never lie when the truth is more profitable.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

It`s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what`s required.

Winston Churchill

When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Wit is educated insolence.

Aristotle

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he`ll come purring at your feet.

Helen Rowland

I call everyone `Darling` because I can`t remember their names.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin.

Henry Louis Mencken

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

Helen Rowland

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, December, August, and February.

Mark Twain

We`d all like to vote for the best man but he`s never a candidate.

Kin Hubbard

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

George Santayana

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

The window to the world can be covered by a newspaper.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.

Helen Rowland

When you take stuff from one writer it`s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it`s research.

Wilson Mizner

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

Mark Twain

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Dorothy Parker

Don`t tell your dreams. What if the Freudists come to power?

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Moliere

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

George Bernard Shaw

I generally avoid temptation unless I can`t resist it.

Mae West

Truth will always be naked, even when turned out in the latest fashion.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won`t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Helen Rowland

Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.

George Bernard Shaw

In America, anyone can become president. That`s one of the risks you take.

Adlai E. Stevenson

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Voltaire

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Dorothy Parker

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it`s their fault.

Henry Kissinger

There is only one thing to do for a man who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

Edgar Watson Howe

If the art of conversation stood a little higher we would have a lower birthrate.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one`s hat keeps blowing off.

Woody Allen

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

Jerome K. Jerome

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Irwin Corey

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.

Paul Valery

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Mark Twain

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

Henry Louis Mencken

 

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